each day adding up.

Each day you didn’t notice but building up to make and give shape of you.

today i sit back and realized how much life has thrown me in and out. all this time i tried to fit best in situation like to get govt. services to switch career and all. i haven’t been fair to my career. my life was quite far from word perfect on personal front . the only thing i had accomplished thru that time was- i was perfect gal in  respect to my boy and my family. Being at home, not stepping in pub and club not boozing not talking boys ..huh seriously . i feel yuck now, for whom did i sacrifice all my fun. Preach to all the young gals…never stop living your life for tomorrow. shalini,i remember you once said this to me. i am glad you shared this to me. 🙂

From quite few months back another version of me has come up… like i am gaining myself back. “The happy sparkling Kirti singh”. i am living for my self. i am meeting new ppl, i am not keeping my joy for the time when he will come i will do. time has passed and it will pass only miss will be mine if i don’t. so from now i will live my life for myself not for anyother. Anyother will be just anyother. i thank god many times for helping me getting through Legato. still my fingers are trembling, writing this down. the amount of happiness it’s giving me.

i have gained confidence like never before. i got to know the power of my subconscious mind. i know i can get anything in this world like any goddamn things. no power can withhold me. my target now is it read as much i can in ETL. i know and am sure i will be ace in my future company. the best days are on the way the college topper is back in mode.

realization: how maturity gives you new wings. earlier i was thinking fun can happen only with boyfriends now from same BF concept i am far away. i love gals company i like random boys company, i love talking vegetable wala and my home helper alot. i  love my own company.  i thank god for everything that it has taken from me . and thank from core of my heart for blessing with all that i have today (Bhaii you came first in my mind). life is balance. not more not less. today i feel liberated. i enjoy my own company. i dress for my self. i pamper my self with food, wine, smokeup, full body checkup , parlor visit, trying new genre of music and book. i am glad in this entire time passed i never left my work out and diet. that is the best thing i did if i look back. ppl around me in office in 3 yrs of J&J tenure has changed so much,they got double chin, muffin abs and tires in waist.  gals in gym think i am 2015 passed out i mean in my 30’s they think i am 26 :). glad. also they say this gal is high maintenance..i mean yeah i am ,i cann’t live in hovel, be in rags and go hunger. live high maintenance life. STAYWOW

AD you are new addition to my life i love you and respect you . i will never exert any force on you to be in form of my expectation. only thing i will say if you will love me it will come back to you in multiple times if not then there are so many out there for this love. P.S. you are living up to my expectation till now. and surely ahead also you will. 

At the end i will say- ” all the chaos and all the random things make sense in the end “. Love you Zindagi.

 

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the last winter…

Have seen many winters, the cold one.

it has been long and alone. but season is changed i felt warm sun after chilled winter. never felt this way before. i am smiling all day. you bring best in me. sometimes i miss why i hvn’t been with you this long sometimes i feel i hv never been away from you.

we don’t have time to talk for long but whenever for 30 min you call, you give update about every significant things you have done. and that’s how and when i know we are couple and we are partner.  i wish best for your start up. may you get best investors and partners down the line. i have talked about mrs. india competition. cross my finger for both of us.

you call to say “hello” and i sink deep and deep in my bed. your voice does to what autumn does to tree, i imagine you all day baby. you have become my favorite notification. :*

 

to make relationship last forever.

in order to make your relationship work..you really need to flow with person as they change.

my friend have told me many times that his grandfather has lived 60 yrs with his wife before she passed . his Gf said that through all that time his wife changed so much it felt like he had been 8 different people by end. But he said secret to make it last was, that through all those changes he never suffocated his wife with his own idea of who he expected her to be. Rather he loved fully, every new women she became.

 

Protect your heart.

not everyone is going to value you. some people will watch the flowers grow. they will admire them in their own space. while others will pick them. they will put them in a jar and watch them dry. know the difference. know your worth. and walk with those who give you life. not death. it is your turn to heal. to grow.to reach the sky. to feel the rain and stand on your own. be your own flower. and protect your heart at all cost.

you are late!!

you were so distant i forgot you were there at all. i am losing part of you like i lose eyelashes unknowingly and everywhere.∴

 

Sometimes the apology never comes when it is wanted. and when it comes it is neither wanted nor needed.–you are too late.

 

Piece of advice for you my dear friend

Be Thankful to universe whatever is given to you and whatever is taken away-BALANCE. do not bother holding on to that thing that does not want you. do not confuse between sugar and salt .if he wants to stay he will, its that simple. don’t hope for his come back. do not look for healing at the feet of those who broke you.

if you were born with the weakness to fall, you were born with the strength to rise. i know its hard  believe me  i know it feels like tomorrow will never come and today will be the most difficult day to get through but i swear you will get through ,the hurt will pass as it always does if you give it time and let it so let it so slowly like a broken promise let it go.

you look at me and cry everything hurts, i told you and whisper but everything can heal.

Selfish

he showed reflection that my friend followed.

later he left her all wilting.

they gamble entire beings. entire souls to please their own. one second they are holding you like the world in their lap and next they have belittled you to a mere picture . a moment. a something of past. one second. they swallow you up and wishper they want to spend the rest of their life with you. but the moment they sense fear. they are already halfway out the door. without having nerve to let you go with grace. as if the human heart means that little to them.

and after all this. after all of the taking. the nerve . isn’t sad and funny how people have more guts these days to undress you with their fingers than they do to pick up the phone and call. apologies. for the loss. and that’s how you lose her.

did you think she was city big enough for a weekend gateway! she is not the hotel room she is home. she not the whiskey you want , she the water that you need. don’t come here with exceptions and try to make vacation out of her!

the loving

he asks what i do?

i tell him i work for an IT farm that does Support, Consulting and service…⇒

he stopped in midsentenses ,not to pay bills , what keeps you awake  late night ? what drives you crazy?

i felt him lil closer , i could feel his warm breath, his face clench, muscles tighten. his eyes pore into mine as though i’m the reason for making them blink i break the gaze just as he inches towards me…………. i step back.

So that’s what you do, you command attention. My cheeks flush as i smile shyly confessing i can’t help.

Baby, You have touched me without touching me!!

 

the second time when i loved

Feeling: you give me “wo pehela nasha wala pyaar”. As fresh and as innocent as school sweethearts.

i saw you coming and my heart beat skipped.  why cant i see you full eye. why i scare from you, why i blush while talking about you. that’s when i understood i am in love again. i love you with all tenderness and with everything my heart have. you are a boy about whom all novels are written about. you raise my dopamine to some crazy level.

Falling for him: cab reached by my door and i realised i have not bought flower for you. i ran to the shop with all speed one can go asking cab bhaiya to pick me up from main road as i moved from pick up location. you drive me crazy. taking my cab settling in seat i know in few minutes i am gonna see you. i am all set with my best dress ,forever linger perfume and captivating eye. you give me goosebumps baby.

Dont care repercussion: Maybe we are not ending as couple but thank you so much for bringing this feeling inside me back. after my breakup you came showed sunshine after rainy winter night. i was tears from tired eyes and everything wrapped around a broken heart. you are making difference and that’s a goddamn miracle. you made me forget what loneliness feels like.

your smile and voice melts me . you call to say ‘hello’ and i get sink deeper and deeper in my bed. have i told you lately how you revolves around my mind 24hrs. Yes you rule every corner of my mind. the chaos in my mind and heart finds balance when you are around.

Baby you might not have been my first love but you were love that made all the other loves irrelevant. ♥♥

Is really life has become like running on treadmill?

Actually No. The reason behind is people has taken Darwin’s theory of evolution so seriously than even Darwin implied so.Darwin’s theory is to compete for survival not compete to kill urself under gnawing chase.

In life there will always be people one step ahead of you.what will you do ? you will compete with him, may be you get hell better than him. Again you found someone one step better than you, again you push urself harder even harder than ur capacity to get there. And the person with whom you are actually competing he doesn’t have any such freaking idea about it.That person is much happy with his things but you stupid getting fucked by him silently.

what exactly are you competing with? what exactly is you reference. Tomorrow your colleague will have bigger house, your neighbour’s kid may behave more nicely , may be your friend’s dutch is more striking. What you gonna do.

These feelings are nightmare dressed in daydream. No matter how much you do, you will feel as though it is never enough. you cann’t chase and accomplish  all sort of thing.I don’t insist sit ideal wait for some one to get things nicer & bigger around you and for you but you can’t be a treadmill also.

you get stuck at phase of life where you try building your legacy. What will you leave behind when you’re gone? What will people remember you by? Whether that’s a breakthrough study or an amazing new product or an adoring family, you are trying to leave the world a little bit different than the way you found it.But you actually forget legacy comes only after you ,it will never ever come along with you.

I also don’t put like, Life is not about material success else one could have worked at Mc’D!!

Set your own reference. Think what you want. Chase for that bloody awesome thing , give your everything for it and eventually when you have that awesome thing enjoy the exhilaration of victory like you own that. Running on treadmill will take you nowhere except geezerhood . 

Enjoy Early adulthood!! Enjoy midlife!!